8 Steps to fixing your Household Economic Budget crisis.

Using the Barack Obama Method.

Step 1: When your wife tells you that your expenses exceed your income, tell her that you’ll look for some spending cuts. After giving the budget a once over, ask her if she’s prepared to give up her water and power.

Step 2: Immediately go out and open up all the credit cards you can before you’re reported to the credit bureau. Max out the store cards first before your credit score drops. Purchase a bunch of necessary items like big screen TVs and furniture. Ask for an extension on your cards once they are maxed out. Pay a few of the bills slowly and eventually only pay the minimum payment. Tell the creditor you’ll pay more next month when things get better. Tell your wife this will stimulate you to make more money and will actually increase your income. When your wife complains that the bills are now larger, tell her you had to do something to stop this speeding train and did she want to just sit there and do nothing and go broke?

Step 3: When the creditors come to your door, asking to be paid, and your wife comes to get you, tell her everything will be ok. While she’s in the bedroom, sneak into her bag and pay the creditor from some money from her wallet, promising to send a check in the mail. Tell your wife you took care of it.

Step. 4: When your wife comes to you upset that all her money is gone from her wallet, get incensed and tell her it’s her ex-husbands fault, who’s a looser and a bum, and that it's his fault that you are all in this situation. Then ask her parents for a loan.


Step 5: Give your friends a blank check for their businesses without checking out their books or asking them what they plan to do with the money. Tell your wife you expect to make great returns on these investments which will increase your savings. When she comes to you upset because they spent all the money on porn and beer, ask a few of them to come over and, while she’s watching, yell at them with strong words. When she’s not looking shake your head to let your friends know you don’t really mean it. Bonus: Follow this up with a sternly worded letter that you show your wife. Meet up with your friends at Hooters and laugh at the letter over some beer.

Step 6: Ask your friends to invest in the local dilapidated drive in theater that no one wants and has been revamped many times by other investors and been a great failure. When your wife asks you how this will increase your income tell her there are thousands of people who don’t get a chance to watch movies at an affordable price. Then accuse her of being mean and call her a racist and ask her why she doesn't want poor people watching movies. When your friends don’t want to invest in the theater, threaten their wives or bribe them with more porn and beer.

Step 7: When your wife asks you why certain bills haven’t been paid or why you’ve bought more items from QVC with the credit card that is overdrawn, respond with lengthy and wordy monologues. Make sure to use big words. Repeat the words “cuts”, “budget”, “deficit neutral”, and “spending freeze” over and over again, and then tell her she just doesn‘t understand. When she looks puzzled, ask her why she wants to stop you from fixing the problem and arrogantly lecture her on her lack of participation. Then, tell her how stressful it is to find a solution. Make sure to let her know, over and over again, how you really don’t want to do this but you’re willing to work all night if you have to to find some answers. Go to a strip club with your friends and ponder the state of the world. Bring lots of singles.

Step 8: When they come to foreclose on your house and repo your car, make sure you have a secret stash of money for yourself that is hidden. Look sad and despondent and repeat over and over again "I don’t know how this happened." When your wife is left with no house or car, standing there with her new husband, hold your head up high and say you did the best you could. Vacation in the Caribbean with your friends and drink lots of beer.